Advokathjelp for folk flest

Want to succeed?

Suck up and get good grades. Apply for an internship with me. Prove that you are better than the other 3.148 applicants. Work your ass off. Then shovel partner manure for ten years and I might give you a case. But remember, you are nobody. Nobody!

The Fine Art of Hand Sanitation

What do you do when a high spending client extends his hand when walking into your lavishly decorated lobby? Do you despite his obvious lack of education and tact extend your hand in return, risking your life? Or do you deny him that hand and in the process risk losing hundreds of millions of dollars? No, of course you’ don’t deny the hand that feeds you a handshake! So here’s what you do. You keep a Hand Sanitiser in your pocket and elegantly put your hand straight down in your pocket for an instant hygienic overhaul immediately after shaking hands. Two seconds later your right hand is again healthy and ready to claw back some millions more from that primitive bastard!

Billable hours

Every hour is billable. I wake up, I bill you. I eat eggs Benedict, I bill you. I go the opera, I bill you. I go to the bathroom, I bill you. I wash and dry my hands, I bill you. I doze off during a ball game, I bill you. I work for another client, I bill you. You get the idea? I’m billing you right now as a matter of fact. 

Life is not a box of chocolates!

“Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Yes you do Forrest, you know exactly what you’re getting! In a box of chocolates there’s, guess what – chocolates! What did you expect you moron! Only a bad lawyer will sell you a box of chocolates and try to confuse you with what’s inside. I’m the best lawyer in the goddamned world so I will tell you exactly what’s inside. If you buy a house you get a house. If you evade tax from the EU, you pay no tax in the EU. Full stop! And that’s it. No ifs or buts, no complaints. You pay up and you shut up! That’s your box of chocolates, Forrest!

Sneezing Crowds

Why elite lawyers never represent ordinary people is a question of money. Ordinary people can’t afford me and my associates and never will. But there’s also the aspect of hygiene. Why would you want to interface with coughing crowds of unhealthy elements? After all there is a reason why they’re simply called The Great Unwashed.

Overpaid?

What would you do? The defendant’s lawyers represented adverse parties, disobeyed clear instructions from all their clients, misrepresented facts in negotiations—in the service not merely of money but of the “true” best interests of their clients. My response? I subpoenaed their asses all over town baby girl! When you overachieve you can never be overpaid!

Work Life Balance

How to balance work and that other thing:
– If you remember your wife’s birthday (or worse, your wedding anniversary), you’re not putting in enough work hours.
– If you remember the names of all your kids, you’re not putting in enough work hours.
– If you’re checking up on your kids homework before midnight, you’re not putting in enough work hours.
– If your art buyer calls you by your first name, you’re not putting in enough work hours.
So what was your question?

Bonus time

Is it a overseas phone number, a Chinese social security number or the GDP of a mid sized European country on the rebound? Or is it my bonus this year..It’s time to laugh all the way to the bank.

Want to succeed?

Suck up and get good grades. Apply for an internship with me. Prove that you are better than the other 3.148 applicants. Work your ass off. Then shovel partner manure for ten years and I might give you a case. But remember, you are nobody. Nobody!

Hello Crazy Cat ladies

And goodbye, because I will never work for people like you!

On Sarbanes Oxley

Get some underpaid paralegals to do the heavy lifting for you. They don’t have a life outside the office anyway. Then come to me for the kill!

A “Golden” Handshake

Ever heard of a Golden Handshake? Well here’s an update for you. There’s no gold in a handshake, only germs and sickness! The number one reason for the outbreak of diseases like Ebola, E Coli, the flu and pneumonia is bacteria and the passing between hands of dangerous germs. I stopped shaking hands (or touching strangers) in 1998, and I’m proud to say I’ve had fewer sick days than US president James Monroe (1817 – 1825)! And he was one healthy lawyer!

Pigeons


Pigeons are very much like ordinary people. Dirty and noisy and stupid and shitting all over the place!

Public transportation

Last night I dreamt that I took some form of public transportation to work. What a f***** nightmare!

No time

Sorry no time for this blog today

Busy is the new Black

The “busier” you are, the more hours you will bill, and hopefully, the more fees collected, some of which will eventually be reflected in your direct deposit. Busy has become the new thing to flaunt. More so than a chalet, a swiss watch or a gold plated Lambo.Always aim for Busy. It’s good for business too. Only morons have leisure time!

Cayman Islands

A client recently asked me to take a suitcase full of cash to the Caymans. I refused. And here’s why. Owen Roberts International Airport at Cayman Islands is under reconstruction and is currently a shit hole. If the client had asked me to take the case to Bermuda, the British Virgin Islands or even Puerto Rico I’d pack my Speedo’s in an instant!